Ha! Archives
Beware of the dog
10:30 am | 0 | Internerd | Ha!
More photos here.
One word…
The Yellow Scale
9:47 am | 2 | Photo Album | Ha!
I had the most fun job interview of my life yesterday. Pray for mojo, friends.
Money is exponentially related to problems
I don’t care if it’s old. It still cracks me up.
Okay, so…
Maybe I got an iPhone for Christmas. But I still refuse to watch movies on a screen the size of a mailing label.
In other news, David Lynch = my hero.
Just one quick, crass note
A group of my coworkers just returned from lunch at a new fast food place near our office called Backyard Burgers. While they’re ranting and raving about how good it was, all I can do over and over again in my head is refer to it as Backdoor Burgers.
Miscellaneous
6:46 pm | 5 | Blog | Friends, Ha!
Awe. Some.
The thing that totally made my day today? The thing that I found sitting on my editor’s desk, and then stole when she left her office to go to the bathroom? The thing that makes up for me not having been kissed by my fiancé, the most wonderful man in the world, for the past 19 days now? It’s this.
But wait, there’s more
A few hours later, feeling guilty that maybe she needed that piece of paper and I shouldn’t have been such a sneaky wench and just taken it without asking, I confessed to my editor. Which totally paid off, because she turned away from me and said, “Oh, that guy sends me stuff all the time.” She then dug through piles and piles of junk on her filing cabinet and produced not one, not two, but FIVE! full-length, home-burned Jesse Aron cds. With “Jesse Aron” written on them in black Sharpie.
What’s with…
Okay, I’m all about the token black man. But lately, I’ve been seeing all these commercials featuring not just a token black man, but a goofy token black man featuring the token black man hairdo — an afro. First 7 Up, then Office Depot, and now Best Buy. I’ve had enough.
A new woman
I got my haircut this week and now I’m totally rocking a new hairdo. Do you think it works for me? It’s kind of got a Jane-Fonda-as-a-Vietnam-War-protestor vibe.
Also, sometimes I like to move my wedding ring from my left hand to my right hand, because it makes it look like a totally different and new ring.
Longest intro ever
I had an awesome dream the other night where I was hanging out with Green Day (lame, I know, but stay with me here) and I hummed the first few notes of “Green Eyed Lady” by Sugarloaf, and Billie Joe Armstrong turned to me and asked what song it was, and then I broke out into the whole song, including the super-long musical interlude, and it totally won me street cred with aging punk rock hipsters who used to be my teen idols.
I have no idea what promoted that song, which, if you didn’t know, is one of the best songs ever, to make a guest appearance in my subconscious, since I haven’t heard it in forever. But I’m really glad it did, because it’s been stuck in my head since yesterday morning, and that, compared with a really bad Elvis impersonator, has made for a pretty awesome day. I may consider adding “Green Eyed Lady” to my karaoke repertoire.
Rain
It’s the time of the year for freak thunderstorms. I experienced this head-on last weekend when Steven, Julie and I were at a cafe having lunch. A spring storm started to roll in, making all sorts of loud noises and flashes to announce its presence, but we continued to hang out, since Steven only lived about a mile away. Well, we pushed our luck, and ended up having to ride our scooters home in the driving, pounding, vertical rain. The drops were so big and the wind so strong that it hurt. Bad. I had on just jeans, a thin t-shirt and my helmet. When we got to Steven’s house, everyone took off their wet clothes, Julie put on some of Steven’s karate pants, and the three of us fell asleep on his bed. I love my friends.
Dear Mr. City Councilman,
When you’re tying to compliment me by telling me that you regularly read my column (it’s an article by the way. Columns require absolutely no research, thankyouverymuch) it helps to A) know my name, and B) be able to remember what publication I actually work for.
Rest on your laurels much?
A new restaurant is coming to town, called, inexplicably, “Raising Canes.” They’re based out of Baton Rouge, La., and their press materials state the following: (I swear I’m not making any of this up.)
“They bring a high-class environment that promotes family dining and a fun atmosphere. Their menu is compiled of freshly cooked chicken fingers, and chicken fingers only. They perfected the recipe for this item and have valued that as there trademark.”
Okay, first of all, it’s “their,” not “there.”
Second, nothing says high-class environment like fried fast-food chicken.
Thirdly, can we not come up with a better name than “chicken fingers.” Ugh. All I can think about when I hear that term is fourth-grade science class, when Mr. Scott, who was also the boys’ wrestling coach, would take an old dry chicken’s foot and pull on the tendon to make the chicken’s claw open and close. Nasty.
We love to fly, and it shows
About two years ago, when I first moved to Houston, I was desperate for a real job, and so I got online and applied for a position as a flight attendant at Southwest Airlines. Well, they send me an e-mail yesterday saying my resume had made it through the first round of inspections and I’m invited to reapply for a position. Umm, okay. Do you fly to Okpo?
Names with backbones
NPR commentator David Chartrand can just suck it. I didn’t ask to be named Brittanie, and it doesn’t define who I am, and I most definitely was never popular in high school. Like David is any more original than Lindsey or Thomas or Marcus is.
Question?
I have never wanted to have a traditional wedding, and even before I met my soon-to-be husband I knew I wouldn’t follow status quo. So, I’ve had a difficult time finding a wedding dress. I wanted something very “West Side Story” — a 1950s-style party gown, preferably with a big tulle knee length skirt. I found a great Betsey Johnson dress that is seafoam green, is strapless with a big tulle skirt, and has a turquoise chiffon waistband. I love it, but I also feel like I should be wearing white. So I also found a very simple ball gown that can be cut shorter so that the tulle skirt sticks out the bottom a bit. But it has no personality. Is it acceptable to wear seafoam green to your first (and presumably only) wedding?
Shock of the day
When returning from lunch with some older women from advertising, Sara, my bikini waxer called me to return an appointment request. When I got off the phone, one of my coworkers, Margaret, a 50-something single, conservative-looking woman, asked, “Do you wax your whole twat?” I almost swerved off the road.
Someone thinks I’m funny
Which is pretty much the easiest way to win me over. Because, you know, I think I’m HI-LARIOUS, but corroboration makes it even better. Gentle reader Morgan also wrote in to say she hasn’t been kissed since last August, which makes me sound like a whiny little brat. “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” she asked.
Confidential to Morgan
It’s okay to be forward with guys. I was totally the first one to hit on C. And it took like three tries for him to get the picture, because I kept saying things like, “Yeah, all of our friends are going out to this event,” and then when he showed up, I’d be the only on there. Some men take a little coaching, but hey! I’m getting an awesome husband out of it!
Contest!
But what’s better than me making myself laugh is when other people make me laugh. So just for kicks, I’m going to have a little contest. You in? Okay. The first person to make me laugh out loud will win an illustrious Jesse Aron CD. You can tell a joke, a story or just string some silly-sounding words together — whatever rocks your boat. Or you can just utter the word twat in the voice of a 50-year-old spinster. Oh, and put your submissions in the comments, that way everyone else can get a kick out of them too.
Fun with numbers!
12:18 pm | 2 | Internerd | Ha!
Last time I looked up my site stats, I found that half of my hits were from people looking up “fast cars” on Google. I can just imagine the disappointed look on the pimply face of the 15-year-old boy that came to my site hoping to find information about a souped-up 1998 Honda Civic with spinning rims, wide wheels and extra tweeters.
Eight hits were searches for either Tina or Piper Rountree, including one especially ambitious searcher who entered the words “piper murder virginia blonde wig.”
On a related note, someone also searched for “exasperated housewife,” which took them not to my post about the Rountrees but instead to this post, where there are no naked pictures of Nicolette Sheridan or Eva Longoria. (Oops! That phrase alone is going to generate several more false searches!)
But my most disappointed visitor — someone whom I sincerely owe my apologies too, because I’m sure they didn’t find what they were looking for here — must have been the person who came upon my site by entering the phrase “huge stretch-marked tits.”