A collection of completely random and unorganized thoughts that do not merit their own independent posts
March 11, 2005 | 5:51 pm | Uncategorized | Conversations | 0
The following comments may or may not have been overheard either in my workplace or during private conversations in recent months. That’s right, I eavesdrop. ALL THE TIME!
— “I’m not going to have you wearing shitty-ass shoes at your wedding,” said by my wonderful stepmother, after making me promise to call them and ask for money for afore-mentioned wedding in the case that I need it.
— “I don’t call you to BS, so I’d appreciate it if you called me back when I leave you a message,” said by my publisher into the phone shortly after reprimanding me for not being polite enough to readers when they call me to complain about a story they wish I hadn’t written.
— “If he gives me a good angle we’ll do a story. What — does he want me to just write about his dojo?” Sounds really dirty, huh. Spoken by my editor after receiving an annoying phone call from one of the thousands of people who think their everyday lives merit an entire story in the newspaper. Most of the time these people own completely unoriginal businesses and want publicity. One word: advertise.
— “Anybody wanna try some of my cheese?” Okay, I said that one during lunch yesterday.
— Also, the head of advertising, a 50-something white woman, recently attacked the only black girl in the house, a recent college graduate, by talking about how hot black men’s posteriors are, punctuated with “Right! Right!?”
Other things not necessarily of note:
My friend Lance called me at work the other day.
“Hey, I have free tickets to this movie preview and I wanted to know if you want to go with me.”
I was busy so I was only kind of half listening to him. “Hmm. What’s the movie?”
“’Sausage.’”
“’SAUSAGE?!?’”
“No, you dummy! ‘Hostage.’”
“Oh.”
Vocabulary
Lance also coined a new phrase, thanks to a song on Gwen Stefani’s horribly horrible new CD. Since I’m trying to cut back on the sailor-like vocabulary, every time I want to say something is the shizzle! I’m now going to say it’s the bananas.
Bob also coined a new word: Vietnails. Synonyms are Japanails or Chinails. I don’t think you really need me to tell you the definition, but suffice it to say that before my wedding I’m going to get my Vietnails done.
My favorite word right now is screwvenir. That’s what you take when you leave the house after having noncommittal intercourse with someone.