Doctor, do you mind if I lay down for this?
February 23, 2005 | 5:53 pm | Blog | Family, The Man | 3
One week into being engaged and my family is already reminding me why I used to say I would never get married.
It’s not that I don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, it’s just that in my family, divorce is like a pastime, nothing is permanent and no responsibility is too great to eventually shirk.
I spent most of last night crying myself to sleep. I can’t figure out why I’m so emotional lately — if it’s because C is supposed to leave for Korea in a week or if it’s because I don’t know how in the world anyone could be so unconditionally giving or if its because I have my own issues to get over before I can really let him love me without freaking out.
Left and right, members of my family that I have barely spoken to in the last two years have already started inviting themselves to a wedding I haven’t even planned yet. I owe it to them, they say, and they deserve to be there after everything they’ve done for me. Who cares that it’s my wedding, and unlike most everyone else in my family, IT’S THE ONLY ONE I PLAN ON HAVING.
Over the past week, I’ve continued, in passing, to refer to C as my boyfriend. Someone pointed out yesterday that I can’t call him that anymore.
So when my fiancé and I started to get really serious, about a year ago, I just couldn’t fathom that someone would be so loving and giving without expecting something from me in return. It makes me feel vulnerable to open up to him because I’m so used to having the ball drop, to having things go bad or to having other people take advantage of my own emotions and just leave me out in the cold.
Part of my coping mechanism is to always be in control. It’s like the old saying — if you want something done right, do it yourself. In trying to separate myself from my family, I was forced to become real independent real fast. Now, suddenly feeling so dependent on someone else has really taken me for a ride.
This summer, after we get married and we move to Korea, I’ll quit my job and just live on his money. I’m already living in his house for free and eating his food for free and using his utilities for free. And so is my dog. Considering that I saw man after man after man do this to my mother, and that I vowed to never let myself become dependent on anyone, this development is a serious kink in the plans I made when I was a 19-year-old feminist.
It’s been, so far, one of the hardest things for me to deal with, but also one of the biggest blessings of my life.
I really believe that C and I were put together so that he could show me that sometimes, people do really just love you and don’t expect anything in return. That relationships can be nurturing and healthy, and that you don’t have to give up any part of yourself in order to deserve that.
After years of taking care of other people, and falling into that spiral where they start to SUCK YOU DRY, and then struggling to look after just myself, its wonderful and relieving to have someone who suddenly wants to take care of me.
I’m so happy for you Brit! You deserve all the best that life has to offer. Just because you have a bad family doesn’t mean you have to turn into them. The hardest thing and also easiest, is just to accept them for who they are, for the good things they did for you, and trash the rest. If you don’t, you’ll never rest. All the best to you and Christopher!
Thanks Snap. Once we go to Korea (we’ll be there for a year and a half) I’ll be on the lookout for kooky Asian toys for you.
Ooooo, I can’t wait! I better start saving my Paypal cash!